Wednesday, March 12, 2008

How To Learn A Lesson

I walked into the Shark Bar at the corner of Mulberry and Spring Streets last week and bought a bottle of Scotch and sat down at a small table with my back to the door to think about how I would get out of the relationship I had been forced into by Kam the Alien. I was enjoying my fourth or fifth drink and feeling no pain when I saw a large figure appear in front of me. The next thing I knew I saw a fist coming at the right side of my head. Wham. I got hit hard and knocked off my chair into a table full of bottles. Things few in all directions including me.

I looked up from the floor and there was this big blonde standing over me. She must have been well over six feet tall and was dressed in a grungy leather jacket, pants and cowboy boots.

I rubbed my eyes and said, " Who are you?", but I had a good idea who it was. Then the blonde kicked me in the side and said, "Get up you lousy asshole". By that time the few patrons in thr bar were looking at us.

She said, " That's for trying to kill me." Then she kicked me again and said, " That's for trying to kill me twice". I was drunk and reeling when she pulled me to my feet and said, "Let's get the Hell out of here". So she pushed me out the door. Too bad I did not have my small .32 automatic with me or I would have shot her for the third time. You guessed it, it was Kam the Alien in disguise. She had a car parked outside and she said, " Drive" .

"Ok", I said , " so now talk." She said we were going on a trip to the Southwest to hold up a bunch of gas stations and shoot up a few small towns. I told her she could let me out right there.

The next thing I knew she had transported us and the car to the Southwest and had morphed me into a thirty year old man. We were in the middle nowhere in the desert driving at high speed. In the distance I saw a sign which read, " Last Chance Motel and Gas". I knew that meant that there would nothing up ahead for about 100 miles or so. Kam told me to pull into the station and register into the motel. What a place. It looked like the end of the world. In many ways it was a last chance. At least it looked like my last chance. Once we got into our room Kam looked less tense.

She had morphed into a figure who looked like Peggy Cummins , the star of the old move , " Gun Crazy", so I knew what was coming. She was going on a rampage and this was just the beginning.

She then told me that she had gone out of her way to be nice to me and had even fallen in love with me and all she got in return was dirty looks and to top it all off I had tried to kill her twice. She wanted to know what was wrong with me. I told her that nothing was wrong with me but that she could not expect an earthling to fall in love with an Alien. She wanted to know what was so unusual about that. I told her that for one thing I did not even know what she really looked like. For all I knew she could be a giant cockroach. How could I fall in love with a giant bug? I then asked her what kind of creature she was. She said, " Ok, I'll show you". The next thing I knew she had morphed into a glowing ball of energy. Then she morphed back into the Peggy Cummins figure.

Then she wanted to talk some more. She wanted to know if I could love her if she turned into a totally human person. I said that I did now know. She said she would do that for me. I told her not to do me any favors. That did it. She started to cry. The sprinkler system went on and I had a sobbing woman on my hands. " Look", I said, " you can stop that right now. I'm not impressed". She did not hear me and her whole body was shaking. She really was crying. I told her that I believed her and that I did sort of love her but she had to understand how hard it was for me.

I told her that we never could be a real couple because I was married and had five children. Furthermore I was not me at all but a duplicate or a Replicant she herself had made and she was nothing but the realization of an old film star drawn from my memory bank. Neither of us were real. Kam told me that she know that but I was not to worry about my family because she had created a second Replicant of me who was back in New York. Nobody, she said, would miss me. She insisted that although neither of us were real, we could fall in love .

She then said she had a big surprise for me. Before we went out and pulled out first job she said she was going to give me the best blow job I had ever had. She proceeded to do just that after she had pulled off my pants. That really made her extra hot and then we were off to rob a gas station about 100 miles down the road. Next time I'll tell you all about that blow job and the first robbery. It was all fantastic.

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